Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
