I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize