a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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