I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
