I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
