omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
