sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
