3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
