Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
