i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
