I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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