I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
