someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
