OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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