chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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