i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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