If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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