I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What a dumb baby whore.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
50% drunk capacity currently
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
