The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
