I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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