If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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