i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize