I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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