Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
