new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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