I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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