i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
