She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
did i just pee glitter
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
