When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
