I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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