I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
