My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
