just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
