All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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