she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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