as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
