I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
