I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
