i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
