You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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