I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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