As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
