i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
