I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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