I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
