Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
