Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
