I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
