This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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