I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
