he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
