did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
