Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize