im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
