I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
