Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
