I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
