then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
