I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
