I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
