hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
