I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
