Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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